the flowers are wilting, and so am i

Last night, I was up until 3 AM this morning.
I had remembered late that I needed to gather the Friday data on COVID-19 active cases, rates of infection, and 7-day sums.
At midnight, I was still looking at the graphs in progress, hoping to see signs of life, only seeing the deaths still to come.
Damn.
Late night tv offered some distraction from those thoughts on the sadness of the world.
"The Alfred Hitchcock Hour" had a favorite actor of mine, one of those with eyes that beckon and a voice that entices: Clu Galagher.
I enjoyed the story, as he was in most scenes, being the thief who had stolen a Saint Francis statue from two nuns.
The ending was forecast, but I enjoyed watching the entire episode anyway.

This morning I clipped off the faded, lifeless, stargazer blossom.
The first to bloom, it had given its all to me for several days.
Wednesday, the petals had become translucent, no longer opaque, no longer vibrant with life.
The petals began to shrink, to draw down and away from the heart.
By yesterday, some of those petals, as well as some of the stamens, had fallen to the table.
Even the burgundy pollen clusters had hardened and died.

It's such a strain to keep up a cheerful appearance for others all the time.
I feel like I'm always switched "ON" with no chance to be "OFF".
It's wearing me out.
I even turned my phone completely off last Monday.
No, not to its "run silent" with the sound all the way down - it was powered "OFF".
I knew at the time that didn't seem particularly healthy, but I did it anyway.
The next day, I told the bfrb what I had done, but he missed it, no doubt because he was mired in the onslaught of curse words I was slinging to keep him at a distance.
I had seen him cringe to the cursing before, so I knew it would steer him - the person - away, keeping him - the psychologist - from trying to analyze me.
Yes, I've requested a gripe session with him, but he knows that at such I am only looking to be heard and acknowledged, I'm not looking to be "fixed".
At least I have that to look forward to, at some future time.
But not today.
Today, my phone is powered "OFF" again.
I need to recharge and I cannot if I'm waiting for a text or call that may not come.
Knowing the phone is silent and will not be able to disturb me is a relief.

Now, I've watched "Ant-Man", courtesy of TBS, and am beginning to feel more relaxed.
I had remembered enjoying the 2015 movie before, and I did so again.
I had known I was right place right time.
i thank You, God.
(smile)
The birthday party for the little girl...
the strains of "It's A Small World" being whistled...
the car horn that played "La Cucaracha"...
Stan Lee grinning in his bar-scene cameo...
little inside jokes for those who were in the know...
for those rooting for the Ant-Man to redeem the father to his daughter.
Yes, I mean both fathers to both daughters, of course.
But, in particular, for Scott to come through for Cassie.
As the ex-wife had told the ex-con:
"You're her hero.
Just be the person she already thinks you are."

Beautiful.
I needed that.
As a Daddy's girl, I needed that.
I'd once driven to his birthplace, just to see it.
Maybe, one day soon, when I'll feel safe traveling across country and stopping at strange bathrooms, I'll go to Michigan to see his grove of 72 trees.
That will be a very good road trip.
Good...
something to anticipate with delight.
That's a good start to recharging my spirit.
i thank You, God.