I woke up yesterday so pissed off I could have spit nails.
I spent over an hour composing a note full of my hurt and anger.
Then, I very nearly mailed it to the running bear.
Then, I very nearly texted him to say that we needed to talk.
Then, I very nearly called him to tell him we needed to talk.
All before I even had coffee.
Not good.
I knew it was not good, too.
I knew I had to be overreacting.
I knew any of those actions would have been more harmful than helpful.
I knew all of that...
but I was still so angry that I didn't care.
Somehow, I backed down from taking action.
i thank God for time.
This morning, I realized that he most likely did not mean to hurt me, and may not even be aware that he did.
Normally, he is quite sensitive to my feelings and to those of others.
However, he is trying to reel in a new fish, so all bets regarding his mental state are off.
That influx of testosterone bathing his brain goes from river to raging tide, especially as he has been working out so much for months now.
The highest priority in his life is netting this fish.
I've experienced this merry-go-round over and over these past four years...
I've evidently gotten a bit dizzy from the ride...
but here's the thing: I enjoy the spinning wheel and the view...
so I have held on, not wanting to fall off and get hurt badly.
Choices, right?
We always have choices, though we may not like their limitations.
The first time I'd felt the ride jostle me, I was ready for it, as I'd met the woman and even had the two of them over for dinner.
My friendship with the bfrb was solid, as he had supported me during Hurricane Matthew and I had supported him during his marathon.
Hard to believe sometimes that was all in 2016.
2017 had its share of fish that broke the line and swam off with nary a backward glance.
2018 proved to be more of the same song, different verse, and was definitely wearing on my nerves, as it wasn't a particularly good tune.
Sigh.
Sometimes, being an analytical chemist is not especially helpful for me.
Sometimes, I'd rather not be seeing a bad pattern play out repeatedly...
especially when that pattern affects someone I love...
especially because that pattern also has an effect on me.
Should I bring this to his attention?
Maybe so.
At least it might help account for my reaction at the restaurant on Tuesday.
He needs to realize how hurtful his words were to me when he muttered, "I didn't realize I was dining with Willie Nelson tonight."
It isn't like this is the first time he's seen me wear braids.
Perhaps he thought it would be a funny story to tell Lauren, the latest wriggler.
I don't know why he said it, I only that he did say it.
I told him then that I didn't like what he said, but he didn't apologize.
Then, at the table, I told him I'd been having a difficult time because of the Memorial Day ads and the birthday62 this year and how this was supposed to be a big celebration for me, since I know that next year is going to hit me very hard, as I will be turning the age Mama was when she died.
And what did he do?
After a couple of lame platitudes, he changed topic to critique the graphs I've been making, to say I should do this with the data or show that type of information.
I couldn't believe he was repeatedly criticizing my analytical skills and repeatedly not listening to my responses about what the graphs were designed to show.
He apparently thought it was okay to attack both my appearance in braids and my intellectual abilities.
Wow.
I don't know why he acted surprised when I called him out on it...
which he said I was doing very loudly, by the way...
but I didn't notice anyone paying us any heed.
I know I am usually laid back and let his criticisms slide off onto the floor.
I just couldn't seem to do that this time.
I'm glad.
I'm glad I at least got his attention.
I'm glad I didn't call him about this yesterday.
I'm glad I didn't mail that letter to him, too.
That said, I know he and I need to talk about this...
don't we?
So we can better understand each other?
I know that the Peace Guy once told me that all men are dogs...
but, I like dogs, I have all my life liked dogs...
no doubt because I'm a Dog, too...
an Earth Dog.
Surely the fact that I have just now remembered that bodes well.
There are no accidents.
Let's hope so.
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