sad and angry is not me

Sigh.
"I cry every day, and have been doing so for over a week.
Sometimes the crying jags go on for 20 minutes.
I keep waiting for people to do as they should.
I miss seeing everyone, getting hugs.
This lack of touch is killing me.
I feel like a flower, starving for water.
Damn."

I had posted that on a friend's fb page, in the not-so-wee hours of Monday morning, when I had been trawling in those shallow waters for more than three hours.
I had finally forced myself to go to bed at 5 AM.
Damn.

But, yesterday turned out to be better than Sunday had been.
I heard from Bonnie and the boys, and they are doing well in Alabama.
I watched Cirque du Soleil's gift to the world, one hour that featured lengthy bits of three shows: "Kurios", "O", and "Luzia".
I heard from the running bear and texted honestly with him about how angry and sad I have been.
When he suggested I might need a pet, I had told him a boa constrictor would be best, as it would give me "plenty of intense hugs that would leave me breathless".
A few moments later, he sent this image...
and made a 15-minute "appointment" with me to talk...
on what should have been a Tina Tuesday...
for a time when we would have been dining together.
Then, I found the free Showtime was back, so I treated myself to an oldie -
the 1986 "Peggy Sue Got Married", that I'd seen with Mama in the cinema.
I cried, of course, as I always do with this one, but the tears weren't angry.
That was good.

Today has been even better.
No doubt that was because I had a gripe session planned with the bfrb panda for 6:30 PM.
But, before that, I had an unexpected, very nice, 20-minute visit from Michael.
He stood in the yard as I worked on piling more branches by the curb, both of us doing our part to maintain social distancing.
Well, until time for him to take his leave and return to his girls.


We both normally would have had a long hug then...
we both wanted a hug and moved in as if to get one...
but we had a "back bumping" instead, neither breathing in the other's air, neither facing the other, but both achieving comfort from the touch of our backs together.
Amazing how satisfying that was...
especially to this touch-deprived, delicate hot-house flower.
i thank You, God.

Part of the reason he left was because the sky was crying.
That was good timing.
It gave me a couple of hours to get ready to "see" the psychologist.
Believe it or not, he suggested we use Zoom to have a bit of facetime.
He also suggested that we might meet for dinner at his place, carry on with our Tuesdays, though more low-key, which was funny because he was playing with his guitar.
(Nice little joke there!)
(smile)
Our 15-minutes became more than sixty by the end.
Probably a quarter of that time was a one-sided conversation, with me crying and cursing the world and complaining about all the things I have no control over...
and him, with his patient "listening ears", allowing me to rant and get it out of my system, not interrupting or trying to give advice...
It was perfect.
He did exactly as I had requested of him yesterday.
I know me.
When I'm sad and angry, I'm not looking for advice.
I'm looking to be heard, for my pain to be loosed back to the wild, out of my head.
It was perfect.
i thank You, God.

When we signed off, he was making dinner.
Time for me to do the same!
And what did I choose for today's meal?
The can of pepper peas Michael had left behind when he and the girls moved out.
Combined with frozen mustard greens, canned diced tomatoes, and brown rice, topped with cheese, it was comfort food.
i thank You, God.