I want my Mama

This morning, I had a punch biopsy done on my right nipple.

Not even the physical pain of the numbing shot administered beforehand to the area could match the mental anguish of wanting Mama by my side, holding my hand and telling me that everything was going to be alright.

I was to have had lunch in Hinesville with my first niece, but I had to cancel.

She had left me a text to call her when I was done with the doctor, so I had, as soon as I returned to my car, trying to reassure her, barely managing to keep the tears at bay.

I'd gone home, after telling her that I needed to chill out.

After an hour of crying, holding myself while rocking, wanting Mama, every nerve in my body feeling on edge from my fingertips to my toes, I was exhausted.

I called Christina to let her know and to tell her I needed a nap.

I didn't tell her what the doctor had said.

After all, she'd said the words "Paget disease of the breast" before adding "but that's rare", but after saying that it "didn't look like most breast cancer".

Once she heard of the two cysts in that breast, something had shifted in her approach.

She told me that we needed to have an ultrasound, then she had done it, right then, without waiting to make another appointment.

Then she told me that a biopsy needed to be done and described the procedure, one which could be done right there in the office, so I agreed to have it done.

There was a subtle urgency in her tone.

And then, after she made a stitch to close the hole made by the punch, it was all done and I was making another appointment to see her next Thursday for the biopsy results.

I want my Mama.

Especially now that I've looked up the breast disorder the doctor mentioned.

I had a two-hour nap - in the daytime, which I only do if I'm ill - then I'd gone to the one reliable source of medical knowledge on the internet.

Risk factors for that cancer?

Age; obesity; dense breast tissue; never borne a child.

Symptoms of that cancer?

Flattened nipple; yellowish discharge from the nipple; flaky, crusty, thickened skin on or around the nipple; itching, tingling, redness in the nipple and/or areola.

All of which I have been experiencing since late February or early March, leading to my use of cotton pantyliners in my bras to keep them from being ruined.

I had brought it to my doctor's attention at my 6-month checkup, April 28th, and she had set me up for a diagnostic mammogram.

Telfair Pavilion handles those for the VA, so I had to wait until May 27th for that; the tech had made it clear to me that the results called for a surgical consult.

As good fortune would have it, I had an appointment at the Savannah VA Center for a sinus infection; my doc concurred with the tech when she saw the images.

She then put in the order for Community Care for the surgical consult, as the hospital in Charleston was too far away.

Memorial Breast Health was the only source here for the VA to use, and so I have patiently waited for this specialist to be able to see me.

On Monday I was called about the appointment for today.

In a way, I'm relieved that it was not earlier, while I was to be on holiday with Christina in Florida, or when I was off in California for a long-needed visit.

I'm also relieved that the surgical consult became a biopsy-obtaining mission.

I'm relieved that the nap seems to have relieved the 'nerves on edge' sensation that I had been having ever since I left the doctor's office.

I still want my Mama, though.

I know she would tell me to do something to distract myself from all of this, to not spend time sitting and worrying about it, as results would be known next week.

I know that's what she would tell me.

So, I'm going to see the type of movie she most enjoyed: a musical, "In The Heights", one more time, on its final day in the local cinemas.

I still want my Mama... but I know she is always in my heart.